Today’s Topic – SIDS Cont’d.
To continue with my experience with SIDS, now that you know how my daughter passed now let’s discuss her funeral. Once leaving the hospital we went home. I was so numb I didn’t know weather I was coming or going. All I could do was cry. I didn’t want to eat, sleep, talk or anything. Even though my daughter didn’t pass away at home I didn’t want to be there. I went to my parents home so they could help me with putting her services together. I pretty much was just there, everyone made decisions for me. I helped a little I picked who I wanted to sing, I picked the song, but everything else was pretty much done for me. While I was at my parents we did the program, picked out what she was going to wear, decided that her coffin would be open during the whole service (so I thought). Everyday while at my parents I was talking to my significant other but he wouldn’t come to the house due to everything that was going on and he didn’t want me there because he knew it wasn’t healthy for me. I knew in the back of my mind I didn’t need to be there but I didn’t know where else to go so I stayed. As the day of her funeral approached I tried to prepare myself to say a final earthly goodbye to my baby who in my wildest dreams didn’t ever think would be gone before me and definitely not that way. It’s hard to speak on the days leading up to the funeral because I was in such a fog I just went through the motions and did what people requested of me. Now we are at the day of her funeral and I was just in the room looking at my child in the casket, she was so beautiful looking like a baby doll, looking so peaceful as if she was just taking a nap. I don’t remember much of the service but there are two things that I remember without a doubt. The first being my parents went behind my back and told the funeral home to close her casket during the service and when that occurred I just screamed and shouted no, no, no its supposed to be open the whole time. Why would you do that to me!…. And the second being when we were at the grave site and they lowered my baby into the ground, I felt like I couldn’t breath, I couldn’t stand on my own at that moment I may have even said I want to die…..but God…..I can’t express any more about that day or the following days. The next day I remember was August 28th when I went home from my parents because I had to. At the time my daughter passed I was attending Point Park College and my next semester was due to begin. At the time I thought going back to school would be a good thing, it would keep me occupied so I wouldn’t be able to fall into a depression. I remember when my parents dropped me off at my apartment as I was walking to the door I came in contact with this lady that was in the neighborhood doing visits with parents for the organization she is with. She asked me if she could talk to me for a minute and I told her yes, I honestly can’t tell you what she said all I know is that she invited me to the center. I don’t know how long it took me to go but I went and I must say that it was a saving grace. To this day I am affiliated with the organization and Ms. Bev has been everything I needed. She has been a grandmother to my children, she has been a supporter of our endeavours, she came to the hospital when any of my children where in there, she has come to graduations, she has made sure we had holidays, birthdays whatever. She has provided a platform for me over the years to give back to parents by sharing my story and being a support to them. I could go on and on about the support I received from Center For Family Excellence mostly Beverly Walker. I love her to pieces and now that I’m so far away she is still a support. I get home and it just was cold, dark and lonely. I had my significant other and he was wonderful during the beginning. We had one conversation regarding our pregnancy when I came home and we moved on, to quote him “we are having this baby and we will figure it out.” I started school and it was just to overwhelming for me and I ended up taking a medical leave of absence. I was just in to much pain, couldn’t focus, and I was very sick carrying my baby. I just worked, worked and worked some more. I didn’t do much. I just existed. I did attend SIDS meetings in the beginning but I didn’t stay long. I found myself sitting in these meetings thinking none of this is helping, I wasn’t getting what I needed because they couldn’t explain to me why this happened to me, how my baby did if she wasn’t in a crib, she wasn’t sleep, she wasn’t even home……so I stopped going. I began to focus on my pregnancy and tried to move forward so I thought. I had so many people tell me to move on, I had to think about my baby I was carrying, stop crying, they know what I was going through all of that and more but now that it has been 21 years I can say the only thing that helps is time, patience, faith & love. I still have my bad days but I can say that I’m in a much better place and space today than then! To God be the glory I have made it this far and will continue to be ok, and I will be ok on my bad days too!
Rest with God ReShande-ReShe Dolby! You were with me then, today & Forever
Many Blessing & Much Love