Today’s Topic: Love
Definition: n. an intense feeling of deep affection, n. a person or thing that one loves, v. feel a deep romantic or sexual attachment to (someone).
Now that you know the definition does that make you feel better or more loved. I would say no! Just because I know the definition don’t mean that I am loved, feel loved or know how to love. Coming from a place where I didn’t receive love as a child I spent the majority of my life trying to figure out what love truly is. I grew up feeling ugly, unwanted, not good enough which led me to look for love in all the wrong places. Does any of this sound familiar? Am I on anyone’s street. I was abused as a child and the first time I was removed I was only 7 years old. Unfortunately the child protective system didn’t work for me and I was removed and placed back in the home several times over the years and the times I wasn’t in long term placement I would be in shelters and group homes. Even when I was placed in long term placement it was a challenge because although I knew that they wanted me there I was always concerned about when I was going to be sent back to the abuse. I never felt a part of the family, comfortable and never would let them in enough to actually feel or receive LOVE. With that being said I grew up not knowing, understanding, or feeling love. As an adult still searching for what I never had lead me to having four children out of wedlock. Trying to make something out of nothing, trying to create a family, trying to feel “LOVE” not knowing or understanding that I can’t get what I don’t know how to give or receive. I had to go through the healing, growing and maturing process in order to be able to become the person I am today. First I had to understand that what I went through as a child was not my fault plus it was out of my control and that God loved me and kept me through it all. Once I accepted that I was able to begin the healing process. During the healing process I had to learn how to FORGIVE those involved in how I was raised, forgive myself for how I was reacting and dealing with how I was feeling. You have to remember forgiveness isn’t for the person it’s for you! The healing process doesn’t happen overnight. You have to allow yourself time, don’t think that you are going to say I’m going to get better and wake up the next day and it’s all sunny. Hurt people hurt people even if it’s not your intention. I really don’t think in my heart of hearts that anyone says I’m hurting you because I want to. When you live out of your subconscious most of the time you don’t realize the things that you say or do that my hurt but as you begin the process you will begin to hurt others less and less because you become more aware of how you’re treating others. As God begins to mend your heart you become more open to love and loving others. You realize that in order to receive love you have to be love. I didn’t understand what that meant until my daughter passed away in 1995 at the age of ten months. When I had my daughter I thought “finally I have someone to love me unconditionally and forever”. Wow! was I so wrong, when she passed my hurt became a hurt that I never felt in my life and I was so angry at GOD….. I just couldn’t understand why he would take my baby from me before I even got a chance to be a good mom to her. Even in this time he kept me; it took me years to see how he kept me but he did. My birthday is August 1st, I found out I was pregnant the weekend after my birthday and she passed on August 13th. God knew that I would be pre-occupied with taking care of my baby that I was carrying to do anything to myself or anyone. He knew that all I wanted to do was love my baby the way I never had love. Even after my son was born God knew I wasn’t strong enough to deal and he continued to keep me because my son was very sickly as a child and I was so focused on him being okay that I didn’t think about myself. I can’t say that I was in a healthy place because I was very numb. I just existed as I reflect back. I did what I was suppose to do but I really didn’t live. I can say a very positive thing that happened when my daughter passed, it was like a switch go flicked I say that because I was so mean and nasty prior to her passing that when she passed I had no more fight in me I thought. “What else can be taken from me, I have nothing else”. I began my process of moving past the hurt, pain, and the past so I could become who God wanted me to be. It has been a long road of healing, growing and maturing. I am still a work in progress but I can definitely say I know for a fact that I am truly a different person than I was then. I forgive, love and love some more because I know that I am a child of the most high God and he had me then and he will always have me. There is no greater love than the love I receive from him. He allows me to love on everyone! I love that he has entrusted me to be who I am to everyone that I am! I know this will not be the last post regarding LOVE it’s such a big part of the vision and God says we must love others as we love ourselves! So I’m trying to be as obedient as I can be to God’s will.
Many Blessing & Much Love